DoaD #4 - Power in Refinement
This is Episode Four of Diary of a Daoist.
Today has been a lot about the power in refinement, finding more balance, and getting to that through simplifying the things I'm trying to do.
I was caught in a cycle of trying to prepare my website and all the work I've got on that and having a bit too much stuff on there. Forgetting what I tell people when I've made websites in the past, “keep it simple, don't get your message lost in having lots of trivial things on the website. Realistically, I do not need any of this, there's a reason that I'm putting myself out there in some way, it's because deep down there's something specific that I want to be known for.
That speaks back to that uncarved block of who am I down to my core before I was shaped by my environment and the world. The image that always comes back into my head is a box that I found, when I was a kid I made these little books about crabs and different things I was obsessed with at the time and learning about, for some reason I wanted to make a little book with all the information in this and give it to people. That’s what I've started to do recently, falling back into that, writing also falls into that as well. But, because I have so many things I love doing I almost feel guilty about letting any of them go.
[Bear with me for a lil interlude, I’m hopping over a wall to sit on a bench.]
Yeah, I don't know why I can't seem to let go of the things I love doing. It's got something to do with wanting to be seen. Simply it’s just that. I never felt like I've been seen even though I completely have because I have absolutely beautiful friends around me that love me. Some part of me just wants to show the world all these amazing little tricks and skills I've picked up and tried. I guess there is some power in showing that you've truly dedicated your energy to a very simplified amount of things. It doesn't have to be complicated, but I am complicating it myself as I go through this back and forth of working non-stop on these things that I think I should be doing because I feel like it's gonna get me somewhere and then stepping away from the actual work that I was put here to do. Sure, I'm still working out what that is, but I have a few things now that help me get there. Like writing. This [communicating with Self] in some form has always been here I've always been able to communicate in this way with people. Now I'm just letting the world in on conversations that are going on all the time around me. Most of the time they’re conversations with nature that are nonverbal, but now it's time to express those to the ear on the other end of this.
Yeah, this lil bit that I read in The Prophet that I flicked to randomly today on the bus was just beautiful. Where is it? [thumbing through pages] Where are you? Talking about work in some way. Yes;
“then the ploughman said speak to us of work…..
when you work you are a flute through whose hearts the whispering of the hours turns to music. Which of you would be a reed, dumb and silent… when all else sings together in unison.”
Yeah, that alone is beautiful. I'm sitting here in this little front garden of a church sat on a bench. Whilst it's fairly silent, there is this constant conversation going on. The wind is playing with the leaves, the tree is growing (just not at the speed that I can interpret, but it’s growing), the flowers talk to each other.. with the bees that path their pollen.
pAtH tHeIr PoLlEn, [laughs] when did I get a lisp
The soil is working with the plants and the leaves to grow, and the rain chimes in sometimes into this conversation. Why did it become weird to do what you were meant to do? Why is it so fucking hard?
These trees’ purpose is to grow and grow leaves, reach out and protect people from the rain and absorb the sun, some provide fruit, and nourish the soil. They have a purpose and they just do it. They’re just growing. When a human tries to fulfil their purpose or outlive the contract that they were given at birth, we all have the little things that we were put here to do, I know what mine are. But for some reason, I am constantly pulled away from them and it's another bit of work in itself to try and stay on track. Maybe it's not, maybe I am creating work for myself that isn't necessary.
Khalil goes on to say;
“always you have been told that work is a curse and labour, a misfortune, but I say to you that when you work you fulfil a part of Earth's furthest dream assigned to you when that dream was born… “
Beautiful. [turns page]
“…And in keeping yourself with labour, you are in truth LOVING LIFE, and to love life through labour is to be intimate with life's in-most secret.”
Yeah, that's just fucking beautiful … wtf.
Yeah there's days that this trees needs rest to be able to take in the nourishment its absorbed and the rain its taken in, but the tree is constantly growing it does not stop in a away, nothing's really still everything vibrates, just at a slower speed or higher speed. These trees are moving, they look still but I just can't see because of my perception of time. I am growing, I've grown so much, but because I cannot see myself from the outside over a long period of time I forget that growth quite often, I'm very hard on myself and I don't see myself keeping up with these imaginary people I've put in my head as the things to work towards. I forget to sit here on a bench and enjoy these trees.
The work never really stops, even in rest and stillness, there's still movement happening. Your thoughts are always moving. Mine get more sporadic when I’m making it harder for myself and giving myself too much to do for whatever reason that is, probably trying to avoid something deep down below that's wanting to come up. I'm keeping it buried deep beneath, putting more Earth on top of it, patting it down. That in itself is work to be done but I'm not in any rush to get that done and that's probably why I'm putting myself so much into working on all these little projects I've given myself to do. There's always a new idea that comes, always something better that I could do. That climbing session today helped me see that. It was the day when they changed one part of the wall, working out new routes to put up on the wall. Half of the climbing centre, the bouldering bit, is just blank walls so you are limited and refined down to these few sections. It helped me to see what I'm doing and realize that I need to fucking pull down some of those holds that I've put up, and think I need to do, because there are too many routes I've created for myself.
No one else has done this but me.
This is such an alien feeling talking to myself but I guess I'm doing it all the time in my head anyway. I’m just vocalising it now. I wonder if anyone else does this or is it just me having conversations in my head or is everyone else lost in their head as well? Who knows?
But yeah, at the climbing wall, I was able to complete some routes that I'd been trying for weeks but wasn't able to get because I had so many other options that I could try and my nature is to start many things and not finish anything.
I give one climb a go… it's too hard. “ Ah Fuck” There's other people around looking. “Ah fuck I don't look good. Fuck.. let me try one that I know I can do that. Okay, did they see me do that… alright sick they think I'm cool”
ahahhaha …. so weird I don’t know why I do that. So yeah today helped to… There was this one I was trying for so fucking long but I just kept giving up and seeing my climbing mates do it beating myself up. Not really but a little bit. Then, managing to do it today and that feeling was so so so nice, don’t even know how to explain it, that sense of accomplishment. Actually finishing something. Which I rarely do. I can’t even count the different ventures I picked up and dropped.
There does have to come a point, I'm slowly starting to get there, where I need to pick one climbing route and truly give it my all and keep going. Watch other people try it, learn from what they're doing, and watch their mishaps, their successes, and their different ways of getting up there. But also not hold too tightly on to how they got up there because quite often my way of climbing and my way of doing life is very different to other people so their Way will not always suit mine.
Wow, life really do be teaching life.
Wow, this garden’s beautiful.
These are just gentle reminders for lil Jozoway to just… please… simplify… your… fucking… life. Stop giving yourself problems you don't need by trying to do too much. I get that you love doing so many things. But keep them as hobbies and keep them in your little room that you share with your self. Ways of reflecting the Self. Those things help you grow. Do them with your friends.
Please stop sharing it all online and thinking everything has to be out. The dream is to not be online at all. But then there’s gotta be the balance because I was born into this body at this point in time with this technology. I gotta learn to love it and use it in a way that works for me and not feel like I have to keep up so much. Find my little path down the side of the mountain, that route of mine that I've found my way into the mountain that sneaks around.
I have no idea what that meant hahhahahahah
I have no idea where I am, probably shouldn't have got off that bus but hey some birds are chirping and the winds playing with the leaves so I think it'll be alright. That's a good spot to end it for this one. Final note, simplify your fucking life.
Yeah, Lil Josh. You get it. Simplicity is the key. The key… is simplicity.
Adios,
peace
