DoaD #29 - Komorebi: The Path Ahead
[tree rustling intro]
Yeah, perfect. That sound is eeevvverryyyttthing I learnt a few new Japanese words today, Hagakaze, Soyokaze all to do with the sound of the wind playing with the leaves. I love that they have beautiful sounding words that describe these beautiful things. It felt right to do a 29th entry into this diary of a Daoist, because on my cycle to work I was bombing it down a little narrow path on a main road, and for some reason I checked behind me and quickly turned over my right shoulder. But then when I turned my head back, my bike was leaning to the right and I almost swerved into the side of the path. That's happened a couple of times when I'm cycling. I don't know why that is. Whenever you turn your head, or whatever direction you turn your head is where your body leans and follows. It makes sense.
Laughing to myself afterwards, because I'm still juggling a couple things around in my head of what I need to let go of and what I need to hold on to and refine moving forward in terms of my vocation and how I see myself earning an income that still allows for freedom. I can still feel myself holding on to this need to ask people that I meet in random interactions, that have a business idea, “Can you give me money to design a website for you?!”
The more I've done it now, and the more time I've given to that label setting itself on me doesn't sit right in my heart anymore, and I've known that for a while. Books is where it's at for me, and I don't think I can properly commit to it until I let go of this label. I've gone through this many times, but I always come come back to it, because when I'm reaching moments of low income it feeds that desire for money and comfort, because it's like, “oh, if I can find someone to trick to giving me two grand for a website, I can be financially stable and do all the things I want to do”. But realistically, I know it's kind of bullshit, but then it's also not. There's this battle within me of, should I be able to charge this amount, I guess, but also No.
Weirdly, in a coffee shop today, in that lovely trinity of a conversation, talking about me going to do parkour coaching, the opportunity was there to to ask if she ever needed a website. Instead, I said, “Well, if you ever want to do some Parkour or Movement coaching, badadadadabing I'm here”. I’m definitely shifting in that sense.
That bike moment is the perfect metaphor for that. It brought up something in my subconscious that I'm ignoring. It feels very niche to talk about, only designers will get it, or I don't even know if they will. But from my perspective, having a portfolio website, having stuff on there that feels old, requesting web design services and having a very brief portfolio on there that's putting myself out there in that way, when people come across that now I'm giving off those vibrations of that's what I'm interested in, and that's what I want people to know me for, but it's not. That bike kerfuffle is showing that if I'm still checking back, if I'm still turning over my shoulder to see these things that I did before, and connecting my vision to what's behind me, my body will follow, and I might end up crashing this vessel. Really, I can only look in one direction, especially when I'm cycling. As much as I think, I can look in every direction. Forward is the only way. Most of my vision is looking up and forward.
This feels like a part of me I need to let go, leave behind me and only listen to. Because when I'm cycling, I am still aware of that which is behind me, people trying to overtake. I listen and simply shuffle to the side and slow down at my own pace and let them glide past. If I'm constantly checking behind, out of habit, I'm gonna crash, and I do not want to crash because that shit is not fun. I’m making so many new connections with gorgeous souls. Feel so blessed and it's coming exactly at the time that I need it in these new steps and stages.
Hmmmm
I haven’t filmed any movement videos in a while and I almost fell into the the guilt part, telling me you're not being consistent! But luckily, that's not as loud as it used to be. The inner critic is fairly quiet at the moment. It's enjoyable. Stopped halfway in Richard Park, for a little breather, taking in the scenes. Then, suddenly felt the urge to fly around this one bench. Felt me coming back.
Ahhh
Komorebi
Thank you sun
Thank you trees
Peace
