DoaD #32 - Grow then Go then Weep then Grow
I was waiting for the right moment to record this.
It's been a long time since I spoke into this microphone, but after balling my eyes out, ain't no better way to start episode 32, of this beautiful project I started.
Never did I ever think that when I started this, all that would happen during the course of doing this would happen.
I have grown so much
If there is one thing I've grown the most its learning how to weep and feel the lows of life. Allow the ups and downs to come, and if I feel I'm about to cry, not trying to go on my phone and distract myself, but instead put a song on that I know can push me there and provide that medicine. Unlock the floodgates. Let myself fucking cry and feel whatever I'm feeling.
I hardly ever used to cry, and it would be so intense whenever I did, because I never did. So it was terrifying to cry. I never would have thought doing this would be able to document probably the 30 most important days of my life so far. I captured the growth of becoming a leader and coach, the growth of putting on bookmaking workshops, the growth of my writing (specifically poetry), growth of friendship and opening up to different people, and the growth of compassion and love for myself.
Most importantly, the journey of losing the love of my life.
That shit….pffff…. there is no rulebook for that. There's no way that anyone can help you through that, you just have to fucking weep. For me, I need to write to help that shi come out. I could feel it when I sat down. I was already feeling a little bit out in the depths today, even though I was with people all day. I felt so alone, because I don't have the one with me that is the only one that's been able to help me feel not alone.
That shi is so hard.
How do you…
There's no quick fix.
There's no easy road back to being alone, fully alone, and loving yourself. I've already got an amazing head start. But it does not make it any easier, and the tears will come regardless.
I was so afraid of them before,
so afraid.
But they're the only things that have pushed me to that next step of love for myself and willing to be vulnerable with myself, its never been easy.
So interesting that even whilst the distance was being felt between us, I found myself not wanting to express what was going on through these diary entries. It didn't feel right to share that part of my journey yet, because I was still in it…
… 22:22, on The clock haha…
… it didn't feel right, but now it does for some reason.
What an adventure this has been. The growth in myself to be consistent and committed to making a baby book every day has given me a purpose through this. It's given a thread that's bound this whole story together, which is magical. Even if all of what I've done disappeared, I still have that. This unique commitment I made to myself to document my life and then continue to document it through books after it had happened, is no normal thing to do. It came straight from my heart. Each one of these little books is a reflection of a different part of me. It beautifully imprints a point in space and time. It's amazing. Thank you to everyone that has listened, everyone that is considered getting to know themselves more from listening to this, because that's been the main purpose. Is to inspire others to become their best self and navigate themselves towards that dream that they can see thats waiting for them, because it's happening for me, I can feel it in all its abundance its coming, and it is already here. Living in a beautiful place, surrounded by so much privilege and love and space.
It's difficult right now its not an easy point in my life. Even speaking right now, I don't feel completely myself. I'm not quite sure if I ever will though. I feel myself trying to constantly get back to this point or this feeling that I remember from a year ago of complete bliss and freedom. But maybe it wasn't actually. I'm holding on to a singular moment out of context with the other threads it was connected to. Forgetting, I have that right now.
To be able to share love through complete play that is the way.
Wow. Music is medicine. That navy blue song, la noche, Loyle Carner, a lasting place, that was the key or the lock for my key. Fucking burst open the floodgates. I just balled my eyes out and that was so needed. Wow.
All of my turbulence recently has come from worrying about what's to come and holding on to what's been. I've been very good at holding the present, but that is what's caused any turbulence. It's me projecting too far back or too far forward.
But as always,
I needed to go there
to get here.
Hmm, wow.
Erin has actually helped me through this so much, having that feminine energy to reflect…
…yeah, simply to reflect and bounce back what's going on inside of me, has been one of the only ways I’ve coped through this, along with the writing and the bookmaking. No one else has quite understood me.
What a weird thing this is to do, speak to you straight into your ears, without any clue of who's listening, except I but then again, it's I and I.
Dadadada its a growns dadada daduhduh
Love and Peace
