DoaD #18 - God of Synchronicity
Check check. 1212
Wow, that is insane. I'm looking at the most insane sunset. It's lovely on a quiet road in Tolworth coming back from climbing. Oh my Lord. That is insane. Oh, yes, that's why. Full moon and summer solstice. That is a naughty cocktail for a little sunset. Wow what a blessing.
This is episode 48. NOPE. It is episode 17? Episode 18. Well, it should be called episode 48 because today was all about the well. The Well. Well, well well what do we have here? The first proper well meet up, meeting around the Well. Few great minds came to this strange little well at the top of a pub behind the station. Beautiful convening of different energies. It's fascinating to see all of this come together, even though its something so small, its something so big at the same time. WOW that sunset is nuts. Oh, my.
Before when I tried to do it, and I was beating myself up so so much when people would drop out or not be able to come. I was being so ignorant to the fact that I've got more free time than most at the moment, fortunately. [burps] I was expecting people that work full time to be able to just drop their shit and come to this little thing that I'm doing. When really, it was never meant to happen at that time and it was all getting jiggled around and reorganized for this later date.
Wow. Just perfect. With some great people that I've met along this short journey that make me feel understood and seen in this world. And vice versa. Everything being put into practice that I've been training on my own. Allowing conversations to unfold, applying some structure to guide this force then letting conversations go. Everything got done in time, may not been exactly how it should have been. When it was first borne in mind. But that doesn’t matter. It was exactly what it was meant to be.
That's beautiful.
A meet up of people sharing their favourite books. Some willing to be more vulnerable than others. Had an illustrator bring their favourite fairy tale book from when they were younger. You had someone who's writing a novel, bring their favourite Jung manifesto. Then we got film teacher and filmmaker, screenwriter bring in a whole bunch of books, too many good books to pick one. We got Rahim, the novelist, bringing his favourite novel that was so different to anything that I read but was so beautiful and perfect. Louis, the kaleidoscope mind, bringing all his wisdom and stepping into a circle may have been very different to the movement circles, but perfectly fit.
Beautiful.
Wow, I don't even know. Everything's coming together, it's all falling into place. I’m still falling into the similar mind path of stressing about money. Knowing that coaching is not going to last all summer and I'm moving into a new place. I'm struggling to let go of my beautifully free routine at the moment. But at some point, I'm going to need to put my purpose to work, be of service to something. Trading my time for that sweet GBP, to be able to live. I don't know. So back and forth between this adventurer in me that is so desperate to travel and not be tied down to any contracts or brick and mortar house and craving to simply fly and see wherever it goes. But knowing that I'm now committed to being a parkour coach, and seeing how much that fulfills me and that it's bringing my purpose in this world to light of shaping the next generation through movement. Seeing myself growing within that. The adventurer has to be patient of some sort because I go on my little adventures all the time, on my little paths. The adventure will come just gotta give it time, give it time.
Asking the I Ching what I should be doing, in terms of a vocation, because I feel like I'm always I'm never quite sure I'm doing the right thing. That comes from my beautiful mum, who loves so many things, it's so hard to pick one. I have that same joy. I'm never quite sure if what I'm doing is right. Always looking for the next thing. So never quite sure if what I'm doing is right. But I'm getting better at that. I'm getting better with that!
All the problems that I cause are in my head, so many conflicts. There are many parts and beings within me that are simply trying to protect me, because they've learnt very well from when they were young, that my space matters to me very, very much. This is where it all comes down to me feeling the need to control my environment. Because I never had none [control]. I did have it but it's something that the root of my being has shaken up that is part of my journey in this life to figure out. Not even figure out but allow to unfold in due time. This new living situation of having to live with two randoms and my best mate is a beautiful way to break into that and learn to let go of that control. It's fucking hard man, it is hard.
When other things seem like they're shaking up in other parts of my life and I don't quite have a steady footing on my income and other facets it's easy to control the immediate environment. My room, my house, I see it now grandma I see why you've been trapped in this routine of control. When you’re told at 30 that your brain is going to start shutting down and not allow you control of your limbs anymore, of course you try and control what you can with the little thing you have that is still working, your brain and your words. That is FUCKED. I've never properly appreciated that my beautiful grandma's ability to move, which is my whole reason for existence now, was stripped away from her at 30. I've never fully appreciated that if that was taken away from me, someone who relies on movement for the deepest parts of expressing, what the fuck of course you try and control your environment and this thing called OCD would take over because your whole life has been taken away.
We're gonna have a little little bus interlude and I'll see you when I get off.
[bus interlude]
boop boop badeep badap bap boop
[elevator music plays]
12:19
Now I'm back and bless up the God of synchronicity. They were just working there on that bus. Some lady behind me screaming it down down the phone to I think her landlord and she has it rough. Screaming about her housemates who’s ignorant af and isn’t working at all and is slamming doors, playing music loudly and she's got work and this lady is out working nights. Must be for a depression hotline and suicide hotline. She's got two hours sleep when she got back and she's got kids so she's taking out. Screaming at her landlord.
“This is life you got to you got to work to make money you got to you got to do all this stuff”
Wow I don't even know what that means for me or how it makes me feel but I feel for her, it was rough man. I have it's so so easy. Gotta be not so hard on myself. No point giving myself stress and worry when it's not there to be had. If that makes any sense no idea there anymore. Since I've been 12 I've been scheming in so many different ways to try and make money in any way that is not a standard job. Before I was even into work, working out how to find things that have a high value that people overlook. I can sweep up and polish up to sell on. I've always had that mindset. I've never been able to hold down a job for longer than six months. I can put in the work for anything, don't get me wrong, I want to be seen. I am a hard worker. I will do that work. But I fucking fade away, when it's a job that eats away at my soul. I am so much of a creative being now that its a force that I cannot hold back anymore and it can't, it can't be held down in a regular job. That is not my nature, it's not my makeup. I’m finding it hard because maybe I am being a little bit ignorant as well. Fact that I'm committed to staying in this place for the nice year [Kingston]…. wait when did the plan change because I had it all in my head that I was gonna go to Brazil. I still do only have a one way ticket. I've now got it in my head that, because Louis is leaving the academy, I’m stepping up to be a lead coach. So I'm taking on this responsibility for the academy that I'm an integral part of it now that I can’t dropout can't leave em hanging. I've committed to this, and I have a responsibility to be a part of it. I can't leave it to go traveling with no plan. I'm still gonna get my travel. Let's not get that wrong. I'm definitely going to Brazil, for a month, at least. My soul needs that I needed to go on this journey of self discovery back to where I was born, and figure out what the fuck that means. Part of my wider story because it makes no sense. It's given me so many identity crisis. I've never felt like I have a foundation anywhere. That's why I'm so accustomed to the life of a nomad. It appeals to me so much more because I've never felt like I had a place to call my own so every place is my own. [The plan] it kept getting pushed back. I guess because the idea came from a very spur the moment clarity. When I find out that my mom has this thing inside of her that is slowly killing her. That light cuts through a lot of bullshit that was clouding my mind. Allows me to see straight to this new realization that my desperate need to get away from all that pain was to charge head first towards that. I felt like I had to go do that straightaway. But that is my tendency to start something big like uni and then suddenly get this amazing idea. “I want to drop out”. Then have some realists bring me back down because of my dragon nature. I love being in the heavens and in these dreamy lands but sometimes I need people to bring my roots back down to the earth.
That plan hasn't disappeared. It's been stretched out because it needs to be full laid out before me. I’m still getting that spice of spontaneity in my life but I’m being a little bit more economical with it and making sure I've laid my foundations before I go flyin.
“Hello kitty”
Weirdly today's Well meet is the start of those foundations that will then be able to exist across borders and be a home away from home.
Soooooo much is falling into place so beautifully. I gotta give myself more of those moments in silence to allow those things to be remembered and stay clear in my mind. Because when I'm go go go busy busy busy.
“When Josh is All Work and No Play he is a Dull Boy”, as they say.
I do not want that. I spent too much of my life in that state. I’m liking it in calm land. It's a lot nicer. So I'm gonna try to stay here for as long as I can. I've set up a couple of shops that are pretty nice. So I'm gonna get comfy.
What a beautiful day.
[skat man interlude]
Okay, interesting. A lil man skatting. Skatting out in coop. Yeah, I’m dragging this out.
The Well, what a beautiful day.
Peace
